Friday, May 8, 2009


What if I want to type a colon


next to a closed bracket


to imply grammatical meaning?
or just for the hell of it?


maybe I'm smiling
but it could mean anything.
like I invented my own punctuation based language of hieroglyphs and the colon represents the orbital relationship between Earth and Mars and the closed bracket represents a blade of grass bending in the breeze.
Or a sideways two-person parachute.

So, to clear things up:

:) (smiling)

:) (something other than smiling)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Top 5 Ways to Fight Depression

OK, so this is a really old piece I wrote over a year ago, but I'm going to give it another airing on the new blog.

5. Adam Sandler films. Adam Sandler is hilarious. Really. Especially when he gets angry. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAAHAAA. LOOK HIS GOLF BALL WONT GO IN THE HOLE!! BWAAHAAA!! Thank christ he isn’t dead yet so he can continue to make more quality films to cheer me up.

4. Happy Meals. Happy meat in a happy bun with happy potato dipped in happy boiling oil in a happy as fuck box. Take the depression of inhumanely farmed cattle and small children working in third world plastic toy factories and feed on their souls for pleasure. I recently replaced my wallet with a Happy Meal.

3. Crocs. My black Dunlop Volleys were really getting me down so I traded them in for a pair of bright rubber oversized clown sandals so that every time I feel down and stare at my feet I end up laughing at how stupidly ridiculous they look.

2. Merry-go-rounds. Round and round and round, I’m riding a horsey and look! There’s a hippo! And the lights are flashing and the carnival music is playing and balloons are over there but now I’m over here and there’s someone’s dog and there’s an inflatable giraffe and now I’m over there but not any more oh dear god I’m having so much fun!

1. Chicken Soup for the Soul. “It’s like homemade chicken soup that warms the chill and heals the ill…based on the belief that true testimonies of goodness and loving transformations can nourish us to the bone and heal the cynicism in our hearts. It’s hard not to shed a tear of gratitude, feeling thrilled to have been touched and soothed so easily.” ( If only Ian Curtis had read this book, Joy Division would still be together touring their seminal album “Joy Division for the Soul” live at Christian motivational camps. What a pity.